…At The Grindstones











{June 1, 2010}   Course in REAL Miracles


I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and love and the like over the last little while- lots of changing natures of relationships with people, and one particular friend who is very sick who taught me something once about it- Love I mean..

She was reading A Course in Miracles I believe.  She loves to love, openly and deeply, and because of that.  struggles with her life a little more than the rest of us, because she will give love and accept love without thinking of “the game” that people play, and that some people, maybe more sick than herself- use love to barter and control and take more from someone else than they deserve. It’s too bad we can not take people by their word very often. It’s unfortunate that our weaknesses cannot be celebrated as much as our strengths.. that it is considered “lame” to give a shit…and that our “friends” and “lovers” will sometimes use our love for them to control us, tugging at the heartstrings like a marionette. ..(I will add  we often do this to ourselves by not communicating with that person…teaching people how to treat us… and we create these blockages and traps ourselves with assumptions we make about what isn’t being said- guilt etc.)

Anyway, my friend was submissive in many ways, giving up her own happiness for others  always which is a VERY difficult path to take.. I know all about this, just not to the extent that she does. Where was I going with that- oh yes – Surrender. It takes SO much strength and so much courage to openly Surrender to someone or something.. and in conquering this fear and seeking out and exploring this weakness we either find ourselves able to conquer it, harness it or be destroyed by it. <– I’m not going to focus on this right now, but I strongly believe that it’s our choice for the most part as to which of these something or someone can do for us. I’m not saying it’s easy to choose which and that there aren’t other factors involved, but we generally create our own monsters.

I’m as stubborn as the next person when it comes to Surrender- and though there are so many things that I will give and give easily, there are a few things I can’t and wont… some that I should.. or I try to keep my reactions- in my face- to a minimum and tell someone or something directly, straight out that it has me.  I know that freaks people out but its a strategy I guess, a new, more direct way of putting something out there to see if it gets picked up or rejected faster so I can move on or enjoy. I think it was a reaction to all the OMFG!!ONE!!111 HUGZZSS!!’s on the internet that I know mean nothing. I let myself feel things. I know that can be dangerous but what the hell. We only live once and (I)may as well do it -as the Egyptians would have said –er djer“to it’s limit”.

Back to the Course in Miracles. She is spiritual, not exactly religious. She believes in so many things that even if they may not be real- could use being believed in to make them so…like people. She was broke and didn’t have any power in the sense of making things happen politically- but she did have power with this whole bell-ringing belief. In this book, I think she was reading it in a public gardens, she was telling me how everytime she read the word God everywhere, she read it as LOVE and if it couldn’t directly translate, whatever she was reading was not for her.

How AMAZING is that. I know that “God” cannot be just LOVE when defined in peoples lives, but even in punishing someone else- which we shouldn’t exactly be doing until we’ve talked through something- it should be through Love. If God is Love, and Love is something we feel and we can create all around us, that same thing that can make someone so overwhelmed that they can pass out, to make them double over with sorrow.. but also bask in… then aren’t so many people doing it wrong? I’m not trying to say that everyone is an idiot, and I’m just jotting this down as I go, so aside from blind religious people telling me what God is because I want none of that- why is it that people don’t Submit to love and say to to a friend of a lover- “I love them”, instead of saying , “they aren’t perfect.” when they first come up?

The point of that is not talking about God, but talking about Love as a higher power, perhaps the highest,and how we shouldn’t feel ashamed for having faith in something like that.

I’m talking about lots of stuff in my past as I am sure is in the past and present even of most people. Communication is of course key and NOT allowing any other way other than full openness to the partner- the person that you love- the person who fills your life with joy- can be hard, oddly enough.. but SO rewarding. .. because in that case, you never go to bed angry with each other, you deal with all the unsexy or angry junk asap so you can get back to where you were, or better than where you were… but I’m am running with other related ideas, I know. These are just things that have been on my mind.

Back to my friend. Here’s the trouble. The passion that she feels for life and love and sharing that is so extreme that it frightens people away, because she doesn’t say “by the way this is real, and I actually do care this much.” What’s wrong with what I just said- that we’ve hurt ourselves SO MUCH through all of time (people), that we have to say “Seriously” “I’m serious” “Really” “No, i REALLY need” .. in order for someone to take a thank you or an I love you or an I need you seriously. I’m watching this destroy her. I know someone who won’t come at the cry of HELP unless “fuck” is in the sentence to stress just how bad it is, or unless they hear the tone of desperation.. how sick is that?

All she wants, all anyone wants is to be loved. Of course – that is some scary shit- because there is true Surrender and love- as Katharine Hepburn was talking about, where you don’t push for the return but are blessed if you get it, and there is stuff like, dependance, lust and jealousy (..oh and people who – running with the dependancy thing – “Love” you because they think you can save them….) that disguise themselves as Love and those are the things that get people hurt and rip them apart.

Someone who can keep giving (love) even though they themselves are hurting, BECAUSE they know we are all hurting.. is a friend indeed- that’s LOVE. That’s a PHENOMENAL person. They are hard to spot sometimes… hard to find. But when you do it’s AMAZING. Generally they don’t fit in to any particular group. They stick up for the little guy.. and are good listeners.. They can often be seen smiling.

Another Hepburnism (Kate):
“I liked him and I did enjoy his company. Easy sailing. Fun. So few people are. Have you noticed? It was like eating ice cream cones on a hot day. Delicious….”

Remember those trust falls in High School or at summer camp? I NEVER did them and still haven’t because someone dropped me once. I can’t possibly expect someone to catch me every time or any time I fall… but if it’s once in a lifetime (and it’s always more than once in a lifetime) it’s an amazing thing.

I guess as we get older we learn to pick ourselves up faster or try not to let other people see us fall. I generally laugh it off and did for the longest time.. though I’ve been getting better at saying-” I’m not okay , I need some Love.”..and I’ve been getting better at not worrying about Surrendering by saying that, by asking for and needing care, and not feeling rejected when I don’t get it, from people I consider friends no less. That is some difficult stuff- I’m sure you don’t need me to tell you that.

Yes it’s that Love that gives us the energy to do Phenomenal things… powerful things…I know it’s always a journey and many of us are trying to find a true match in a partner- one partner- to be everything to us. There is no way that one person can give you everything that you need to be happy.

First of all- you can give yourself a lot. You also can’t give all of your love to someone else… well In my opinion, leave yourself a slice. Not a burnt one either. You need that to fuel your other passions lest they lay by the wayside, clouded over by the passion of a new friendship or relationship. Those people LOVE you and care about you because you are who you are and do what you do. Dropping that SELF for someone else.. that’s a big move.

Secondly, your friends and family..

AND THEN you have the adventures and life with your lover(s). Expecting them to be the sole source of your happiness when there is so much love everywhere is completely ridiculous and destructive. It’s absolutely okay to ask for things, but not for everything. Make sure to leave them some love for themselves..

What she taught me- is that there was infinite love and that we are the movers of it, we can mould it, give it, make more when there was seemingly none nearby, and to appreciate Love wherever it came from, especially those Phenomenal people we have around us, whether we know them or not- we can draw inspiration and energy from that.. I remember in one of my saddest times I revived myself by celebrating other people’s world festivals…finding joy in their joy… just like she does.

But that’s another story..
KQ

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Shawna says:

Wonderfully written K. Unfortunately, as the saying
goes….Love is blind. Although I’m now in a
relationship and about to get married I’ve been there;
let MY feelings fall within ‘the game’ people most
enjoy to play. It’s sickening, but unfortunately
no one ever said that love would be simple. As I’ve heard
said before ‘finding love is almost as difficult as
finding the holy grail.’ Just because you think you
love someone doesn’t always mean you do. Many people don’t
even have a clue what love is. Do I? Do you? How do
we know for sure? We just want that feeling of security,
that sense of meaning something to someone (whether
friend or something more). I, like many others open our
hearts to everyone…friend or foe…trying to help
…trying to show there are people out there who care.
We end up getting stabbed in the back.
I believe there’s a reason for everything (I think lol)
and I believe in some people, like your friend, broken hearts
only make you stronger. They give you the will to voice your
opinions just like you and I are doing right now.

Loooove you!! And I mean it ❤



There are all kinds of love. There can be crazy passionate love and there can be two people who love each other and want to be together and are best friends.. and that’s amazing… and there can be love between a parent and child and if the kid loves the parent back thats amazing hahaha.not to scare you 😛

Yeah we can get stabbed in the back sometimes.. sometimes we give too much , sometimes the people don’t deserve it but we give anyway and that can be okay. Some people can’t give back- either they are too into themselves or have some stuff they haven’t dealt with from the past that makes them closed up and hardened… But yeah, unfortunately and it’s so hard to think of it this way – we can’t expect people to give back anything at all.. which is what makes it so much more amazing and special when it does happen.

And when we find someone who does give back a little or hell, a lot- that’s a keeper 🙂 No matter the nature of the relationship- friend or lover- as long as it enriches and supports You somehow ..:)



Terrence says:

You’re truly an inspiration. Your bravery is astounding. Thank you for writing these and sharing so much of yourself.



Pff. I’m just one of those people that shares what they are comfortable sharing–like anyone. You do the same yourself- just through different mediums and … different things… you can do it too 🙂



Neel says:

I am left hoping the best for your friend. People like that are rare, indeed, and the world does not value them at their worth.



Ha Thanks, I’m sure I’ll post about it again in a little while…It’s unfortunate that there are so many people that hate “happy” people. aka people who can make the best if a bad situation as opposed to asking them, “Can you show me?” :S



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