…At The Grindstones

{June 14, 2010}   Please don’t hold me.. back..

I was thinking more about my reflection from last night and I think the issue was something that I had happen to me a year ago this time as well and I am feeling the low energy today as a result of- no release- no grounding.

When I get super angry, sad, energized whatever, I need a release for it. It could be anything, maybe I need to make a mess, maybe I need to cry my face off, maybe I need to break something, to scream in a quiet place.. or ground myself through meditation but you know- that isn’t always the case, rather, can’t always happen.. sometimes It needs to be fireworks, waterfalls.

I’m thinking back to two situations on the weekend-  both amazing but of course we all have our own shit to deal with that clouds what something really is. In one case someone went suuuper out of their way to give me something that I needed, a soft boundary for them.. in the other case what I needed was someone’s hard boundary…I can say EXACTLY what I was after but I don’t think it’s important and we can never ask anyone for more than they will give.. it can jut feel hurtful if we think it will be something different from what it is, even if it;s good, like taking a sip of water and you find out it’s fizzy- it shocks you, but it’s delicious once you relax and accept it as it is. And if someone can’t help you or give to you, you can’t get angry at them because they just aren’t interested in a compromise or helping you because you aren’t that important to them… and you have to work really hard to make sure that you don’t take it personally, but of course we often do.. if only for a short while.

At the same time, my recent goal has been to surround myself with people who love people enough to step aside on the sidewalk, to share their favorite chocolate bar that they only have one of that they could get on vacation, to give a back rub, to ask you, what you need and see if they can contribute positively to your life along those lines, if not to share something else etc etc. You can see what I am getting at. These people are selfless or selfish and driven because people used to suck them dry but have found a good balance between the two worlds..and want to share the beautiful free things they still see that they know you will love etc etc. So, as opposed to nailing your fin to the floor so to speak, they grab your hand and take flight with you, for a minute, a day , a year.. off and on over a lifetime. AND THEY LOOK AT YOU AND FEEL YOU when they do it. And by feel I don’t mean physical.

If you are scared, they slow down, or hold your hand tighter. If they see you frown.. THEY STOP and help you see the brighter side, or sit with you in the dark for a moment of stillness because saying “Don’t cry” is the stupidest thing I can think of at the moment.. They let you scream. “Don’t feel what you need to feel, what’s done is done..” Oh my…but that’s another story that I’ll get to when I post more about Kubler-Ross’s work which I am a HUGE fan of.

Leaving you with music I googled to find to match this post..

And a song that sort of works with it that I LOVE to pieces. Cut off a bit at the start but.. it’s the actual video which I’d rather you see than the pic of the album cover hehe.

I feel like I need something that I can’t give myself today. I’m searching my brain and the universe essentially for ideas that won’t be dangerous or will be just frightening enough, I know it will be.. to give me what I need… If I figure it out I’ll take video on the trek home.. There’s obviously something that I NEED to get out of me, like a bug or a stone or something that I can feel throughout my whole person, health zingers aside on this one. 🙂



Neel says:

I hope you find your people. 🙂
I am looking forward to hearing about Kubler-Ross.

And may you find what you are looking for in this universe.

Isn’t that something all of us hope for? 😛
I never know what I am really looking for- as long as I am happy for the most part.. hehe

Diana says:

Hey Sweetie! It’s great to read your stuff and to see you expressing yourself. It’s soo ironic the things you write about as it seems I can very much relate with all that I am currently going through. You are a beautiful spirit and you deserve happiness, anyone who doesn’t want to share that with you, is a fool! Love Yaa Girl!

I;m sure most people can relate to this kind of stuff… I find it’s easier to deal with this kind of stuff so to speak when I get it out there or put it down on paper…
We’ll catch up soon!

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