…At The Grindstones

{June 14, 2010}   Something More..

I had.. an AMAZING weekend surrounded by fantastic people. Some who care about me, some who care about people. I don’t know why I feel like there was something missing but there was… a few things…

I feel like I did get everything that I needed that I couldn’t give to myself, and people shared with me what they could share and some more than they usually do which was surprising and delicious.

So why do I feel like I needed the two things that I wanted this weekend that I didn’t get just yet- to be given to me by someone else? Isn’t that like buying a deck of tarot cards- so I was told but shrugged off when I used to sell them, that you couldn’t buy them for yourself, that they wouldn’t be special enough or something like that… so why is it that if it’s something we give ourselves, even if we think we are pretty awesome- and special.. does it seem.. lacking sometimes or something. I can’t quite put my finger on it.. literally.

I managed to get through the weekend with a great smile on my face, delighted in the little joys and little gifts that I was given… and people I was with.. in extreme pain. I won’t get into it right now but let me just say that chest pains are reaaaallly hard to deal with and ignore. OH. You know it’s not exactly that- it’s new pain- anything that we aren’t used to that comes to us in excess can make us more than a little uncomfortable.

In the end, it’s just us who are there to help ourselves and care for ourselves no matter what. There will never be help when we really need it in the way that we need it. I got most of what I needed this weekend like I said, and I’m hoping the rest fills in next week so I don’t have to seek for it in places that I shouldn’t, but I’m already looking there. Why do we do that to ourselves? Why do we focus on what we don’t have rather than what we do have? Is that because what we really need is something that we really can’t give to ourselves even if we think we sort of can?

My mind is all over the place.. trying to figure out what it is about the 2 things that would have made my weekend complete.. what it is about them that is getting me worked up.

I also have to say it’s been nice to have this outlet even if it is only me reading, I’ve always found that writing down my ideas or speaking things aloud as I edit them can help me understand something that I am trying to teach myself inside and out but when it’s irrational or deeper than something physical it takes a bit more time and crunching in the head to figure it out. I even found myself asking my biggest questions to Google this afternoon hahah.

I’m super happy and amazing with a pinch of sadness. Just enough that I can enjoy this refreshing “beverage” with a slight bad aftertaste in my mouth that makes me feel like I’ve been drugged and reality is not the case. Oh well. Hopefully a good night’s sleep, hospital trip and a tall glass of water will “get me there” 🙂 Things are still amazing, it’s just coming with extreme physical pain and therefore making me feel like I can only have things this decent with the accompanying pain… isn’t that life though?



Neel says:

It’s definitely not only you reading this. 🙂

I hope you “get there”. And I hope you manage to have things decent without the pain, once it goes- and I hope it goes quickly.

Your blog has set me to thinking this morning. No man, no person, is an island, I guess… but it’s also true that ultimately we have to count on ourselves.

I hope the pinch of sadness just give contrast to better things that come.

Good thoughts for you. 🙂

In the end I am glad that I am someone who can register and will feel sadness out.. 🙂 That’s the positive of that hehe

Turbulence says:

i guess sometimes the things one needs come from directions that one does not expect. i don’t believe in karma – like it’s defined – but good things echo back one day unless one always runs after the ignorant/non caring/superficial …

or something like that.

Yeah.. something like that.. I agree. Somewhat of an energy thing or psychologically speaking, it comes back around when the person is forced to deal with their own crap that makes them act that way towards others, when they finally see it in a mirror.. which sometimes doesn’t come until their death bed but…. better late than never..

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