…At The Grindstones

{July 23, 2010}   Make Up, Monsters and Myself

And I’m not going to lie.. I got here on my own… and I am ever learning how to make sure that the people in my life are alright with me as ME as well, the rest, if I choose to give to them or be kind to them knowing that they may be coming to me for the wrong reasons…. then that is what *I* choose to do and will enjoy doing, giving love as I always have, even if it is not directly given back. I do not see anything wrong with giving love to someone who wants to even hurt me or rape me in some fashion, in the hopes that that love will help heal whatever it is that makes them feel like they have the right to another person. It may not help, and it may not protect me, but I feel that personally (and I’ve said this before), my goal is, as a sponge, to be able to absorb some hate and some pain and give it back as love which is something that is absolutely needed.

This puts me in a really amazing place, scary, rollercoaster, painful, complicated,breathtaking, heart-warming, extraordinary, colorful, unpredictable.

I wish that I could share it with everyone but I know that giving too much or giving the wrong things can do more harm than good and I know I’ve made the mistake time and time again of OVER giving… This is something I have been working on a lot lately and it shows just how many expectations people have of me and why they stick around.. painful to see but so important to know, because I have the right to ask for love and support in return.. and to know if I won’t get it somewhere… to be able to walk away from trying to squeeze blood from a dollar… I mean stone.

This came up on the weekend when I changed an outfit last minute, I know it sounds dumb, but it changed the feel of the entire evening. There’s a difference for me in going out to have fun with just me, or going out an changing my appearance to try to have fun with others who may not otherwise be attracted to me. While I see the value in that for certain situations, and will do it for people that I love or for certain events no problem, for me it’s just a costume, and I wear many of them. I love that I can significantly alter my look  any way I please to reflect my feelings and intentions and attract the people that I want to meet, and wake up as my bare self every morning… aside from smudged eye make up I guess. Somedays I’m just not up for it even if I think I am…That’s just me, and that’s what happened.

I think this came into light for me today because of my thinking about general relationships with people (reading a book that touches on it) and how hard it can be to make sure everything is cool with the people you love and want to keep in your life, and how to make them feel special, and the things that make me feel special.. obviously I can get a little high from feeling special to someone else, especially if they’ve seen any part of me that I don’t flaunt in public. Not that it’s a secret or something to be ashamed of, maybe something that makes us shy or vulnerable in some way… but we all have things that we like to keep semi private or rather things that we only trust a few people with and when someone can  care about you or be interested in you for who you really are, or better yet, several facets of who you are… that’s a great feeling.. however…

I’ve been trying to strike a balance between:

A) Not telling everyone everything they ask me for because I see no same in telling people but at the same time what gives them the right to know that if they aren’t going to stick around in my life- what use is it to them and why do they need to *know* me if they are the type to reject someone based on any number of superficial things… (yes I know I spill a lot on the internet technically, but not really. It may give you insight to who I am, but I am the only one who knows me, and likewise you are the only one that knows you). So what I did was let someone I was interested in see me without make up immediately.. because I don’t want people to hold on to the expectation that I will always wear the outfit or be in the mindset as the same day we met. I know it’s playing the game and baiting the trap but seriously… so many days I just want to say FUCK THAT .

B) Conquering the fear that people will reject me if I am myself.. I have come a LONG way on this one. Not only should I have no real interest in the people who have interest in only ONE facet of myself (business friends I call them), I’m not going to lick ass so-to-speak to get them to stick around by making them feel special, if they add nothing positive to my life aside from financial or material gain of some kind.

C)I have a problem with holding my tongue on things, representing myself and standing up for myself when I am an invited guest to something, of course out of the fear that I would lose respect from the individual that I care about who invited me to said event.

Which brings me to the Eye-opener for all three of these major faults:

I held my tongue about something to hold off on calling someone out on a very negative, aggressive and purposefully destructive behavior that they had brought into a space that I was in and thrown over several individuals. It was hurtful to me, and to many others who felt very violated emotionally by this person who had no right to be as invasive as they were, no matter what substance they were on. I honestly consider them a monster and I’ve met very few REAL monsters in my life but they are the ones that make me shake from the strength that I have to use to block, push off, calm down.. in order to not be taken by them. What they want is a reaction of course, they feed off of tears and anger and they want people to get them riled up. I regret not fighting it to this day for so many reasons, as I collapsed in tears later on, which was of course misread as being upset over something else.

I was asked to speak about a passion of mine and began to spin words and raise energy and become roused at the thought of the scene and vision I was describing. I thought I owed it to the person who invited me to be extremely open with their friends as I was told they has passions similar to my own (wrong)… I rarely open this kind of thing for anyone and I shouldn’t have done it, and it’s been closed for the year since…. because as soon as my eyes glazed and the hairs on my body stood up and my mind became heavy and consumed with this other place I was taking myself to in front of this audience, the monster began to bark at me and throw negativity into my world and at my passion. Without time to ground I was snapped awake, shaking and enraged.

I did very obviously pick up my emotional sword and start to raise it and my energies against it…but I scared the people I was with (very few people have seen my raise energy and true rage in such a fashion and I know it’s frightening) and that was not what I wanted to do (hurt anyone else) even if it was super important to me. The monster will destroy themselves in most cases, we just have to all put our swords down and shields up together. They are beyond help.

Pfew. That was super therapeutic to write, and I know one or two of the people who met the very same monster may read this and know EXACTLY what I am talking about even if they weren’t there for the sword raising. I hope that people who do not deal with energies, who are not super sensitive to other people’s energy and emo’s etc (not that that is a bad thing) can understand what I am describing without assuming that I am talking about something that happened on the internet with role play characters. My head is of course pounding replaying the scene and violation in my mind, but I am hoping that in this replay and as I have been thinking over the situation over the past year, I can be released from the guilt of the fight that could have been, and that I made the right choice in allowing someone to get worked up and not respond the way they wanted me to.

Time to light some incense, eat a peach, read a book and stare at the sky.


ps. I don’t think I’m the only one. What do you feel physically when you speak up  about your passions?


Last night I spoke to a friend who lives very far away. I spoke to her because she wanted to hear my voice and it was good to hear hers as well. When we spoke of plans and passions, I noticed my voice, my speech did not stammer once. It wasn’t of fantasy but something I spoke of because I know it well and I love it. My heart beat a little faster, my focus allowed me to see my words and yes, my hair stood on end… there’s a certain electricity that comes with baring ones soul. The feeling of complete trust and connection.

I hope you are well now, old friend, I know you’re going to be alright when I’m gone. You’re so amazing to me.

Trahern says:

If you haven’t found http://www.asofterworld.com/ yet, now would probably be a good time.

As for what I feel when I speak of my passions, I guess the last time I shared, it was about one of my kinks, so… aroused, naughty verging on guilty, with the occasional excited shiver that comes with telling someone something you think you probably shouldn’t.

Neel says:

Just remember take care of yourself, because your existence has value in this world. Those of us would would raise shields together need everyone in the shield wall if it is to work… and that presence can keep swords from being raised, or even drawn.

And I am not saying it about *this* monster, or your situation- but sometimes it can even stop monsters from *being* monsters.

Honestly… I don’t speak up about my passions. The circumstances haven’t arisen in a very, long time, indeed. These are my quiet days, watching to see where words will do good, and trying to hold them back when they will not. I don’t always succeed. But I watch, and listen, and I would hope- learn. But this is more a matter of seeking harmony and balance than of passion.

But harmony and balance require that there be passion, too, in this world. 🙂

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