…At The Grindstones

{August 12, 2010}   The Art of Seduction, Texting and Giving

I started reading this book, so many people gave good reviews of it, and it is interesting for sure… BUT… it puts me in a weird spot. I used to be absolutely excellent at manipulating people. Chasing them. making them chase me, drawing out information that I needed to get what I wanted and being sneaky. Not to toot my own horn but I was a champion with weaving into dramatic situs and getting out with minimal damage, and with what I wanted.

That was many years ago, as I slowly gave that up and decided to become a truth teller, open book, direct, honest… which people did not take too kindly too. I’m not saying that I would tell people that they were ugly, because that’s not how I roll, but anyway, telling someone that their behavior was hurtful to you doesn’t always go over well. Telling someone that you are sad, in other words, admitting weakness, does not bring even the most “loving’ or your friends to your rescue. It’s been wild.

So I’m torn. I’ve always been pretty open and honest about the stuff I’ve been involved with, there is no reason for me to hide anything, if I am hiding it it’s a weakness and I want to conquer as much and own as much of myself as I can if that makes any sense. Of course there have been things that I’ve done that I am not as proud of but I can’t let them own me.

On the other hand, opening up to people is apparently giving them power over me, and telling them exactly what they’ve asked is giving people too much, I know that now, and there are so many people who don’t deserve to know me and I think that realizing that was really important- that I don’t have to answer questions, acknowledge or chat up people that I get terrible vibes from, even if they are close friends with someone I care deeply about- I just can’t do it anymore.

This is me thinking about monsters of course, and people.. Should we have to lie to people in the hopes that they will show us kindness? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of being one’s self? OR are we all supposed to hide our true selves even to the people that we love, who love us out of fear of some rejection 3 years down the line in an unhappy relationship when we never speak up about those needs?

What is the harm in telling someone that you like them, find them attractive, like their shoes,want to see them again… as a friend or as anything else..what’s the harm in treating or showing kindness to someone because you want to,not manipulating them hoping, no, so that they will give it back- why would anyone want to force someone to care for them? I do understand people wanting to force or trick others into bed, though I don’t agree with it.. A lot of this book talks about how to make someone depend on you emotionally and therefore surrender sexually, to which I say…. “SAY WHAT!?!”

Like I say, I understand where they are coming from but I think a lot of the things they recommend, which would result in unhappy, unhealthy long-term relationships..maybe the book is mainly referring to sex… I guess that could work in a big city where you never have to see these people again, and maybe I’m a wiener for feeling bad for taking something from someone without the permission, or through manipulative measures…

Anyway, so I am torn. So SO many people play the game and I took my piece off, I’m like a hotel in Monopoly, there are only a few of me and we only show up every now and then, and aren’t available to everyone. I don’t have time to put up with traveling someone elses board, but I am completely happy to hop in and out and even be there for the good and the bad, and even bail them out. I love to help and love to show love. I love to help the little guys because I’ve been one.

At the same time, being a hotel gives me a cold appearance to many people. People will want me for the wrong reasons. I understand I’m getting slightly off topic but whatever. I assume that people don’t want me around until they say so, though I would LOVE to, and try to, assume that if people don’t want me around they simply stop calling me or replying to messages.

Some don’t return kindnesses, so I think it’s totally fair for me to then, only call them when I want something material, since there is nothing else that they will offer me, and they generally only call me for material things as well.

Actually, I realized this month that the reason my phone bills are insanely high- are unnecessary business calls because I do not want to be a part of the texting world- too cold for me…

Anyway returning back somewhat to my original thought, I feel like I should only give because I want to. That can mean attention as well. It should be done without ANY expectation of anything in return.

I also learned this year that NO MATTER what people say, I won’t believe their promises until they actually happen and are set into motion. Too many agreements made where I only held up my end of the bargain, too many disappointments when asking people to contribute to something they asked me to do for them… I won’t get as excited as I used to over people saying “oh we should totally” because they often write things without being able to cash them.. Why don’t people say, “Oh I would love to” or “We could try to blah blah at this time but I am not sure”..

Thinking that way, though it seems really negative is amazing. At the same time, if someone wants to give to me, I really need to learn to say thank you and not turn around to try to give them something back immediately, or on a certain day…. but when I really want to… know what I mean?

Reminded me of this video I posted already:

Those things have been swirling around in my mind as I’ve been reading this. Do I have to “get back in the game” to interact with pieces? Can’t I just be the penny on the board those times when their aren’t enough pieces, that comes in to play now and then? Do I have to speak their language to be their “friend”, does it make me an asshole to learn the grammar and structure but avoid learning the words?

With that I’m off to a shindig, and to relax with some more amazing people, as I already did today.

Let me know your thoughts on this,


spikedmartini says:

y’know… the fact that you’re such an open and honest person is what attracted me to you. getting to know you these past few months (years?) has been awesome and having you as a friend is absolutely great. i cherish the time we spend together.
i also completely agree with a lot of what you said here and wish more people would feel/act the way you do.

Jay says:

Don’t think of it as being a negative way of thinking. It is empowering, and finally giving yourself the means and realization to not be walked on as a human being. Sometimes it is perfectly acceptable to say ” NO “, and on occasion it feels good doing so. No need for reasons or justifications for your decisions, they are yours and yours alone. Time to kick the users an psychic vampires to the curb. And then in the junk šŸ˜‰

Absolutely. It’s just my nature to want to forgive and wish that there was good in everyone, like those suckers on tv… but on tv.. they do conquer in the end.. and I never have. Does that mean I fail as an everyday hero ? lol or am just not cut out to wear a cape?

Jay says:

Persistance is the key. TV crams heroism into a 30 minute vignette ;).I actually would encourage you to wear a cape. If for no other reason, then to make me happy.

Neel says:

The key is to be a hotel if you want to be, and if it suits what you feel, and what you are. I think you’ve made your choice, and that’s all the justification you need.

You don’t seem cold to me. But we all need to find our own space, we all need to be able to set the rules for that space. Because then, we can all do what we are good at, with some security inside ourselves that we are reaching out to the world from the place we *need* to be. We can always do more without fear inside… and having our own rules, our own obligations to ourselves, is a great thing to kill that fear.

Also, I think anyone would hope that when they are shown warmth, it is not because it was necessary, but because it was inspired. Is it just going through the motions and meaningless otherwise? I don’t know. Can any of us ever truly be selfless…? In another way, that ties in, as well.

And again, I don’t know.

But good luck. I’ll be over in another game with different rules, but I enjoy hearing of yours.

“I think anyone would hope that when they are shown warmth, it is not because it was necessary, but because it was inspired”

Absolutely. If that would be the case always.. it would be amazing. Have you seen the movie, The Invention of Lying?

Doc says:

I feel that begin open and honest is the right thing.. when something bad happens and you tell it how it is, thats strength, the strength to be honest with yourself.. If you can’t be honest with yourself, you can’t be honest with anyone.
I think your amazing and I often wonder how you are. I look forward to your visit. šŸ™‚

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