…At The Grindstones











{August 24, 2010}   You’ll Never Walk Alone


“When you walk through a storm
Hold you head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.


Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho’ your dreams be tossed and blown.


Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone,
You’ll never walk alone.”


This song always spoke to me when I was younger, and still does, ever since I first heard it from Carousel the musical, I don’t remember now if it was from the movie of a High School version… After spending 2 trips to the desert with people but always feeling completely alone .. looking back this gives me strength to tackle it again. When I get lonely I do often think of people who I was close to , who I loved and love now in a different way and have in a different place in my heart. It’s their energy that gives me motivation to get what I want and need in my darkest times, because it’s something they can’t have.

Sometimes I need to borrow the will or would be will of others to motivate myself I find… especially when I am depressed and just can’t snap out of it on my own and can’t depend on anyone else to help me. So I borrow someone else’s motivation, energy, liveliness, reasons to celebrate, and I have my own.. having been seriously seriously sick and injured before and living with illnesses that I constantly fight. I am nowhere near paralyzed for years but even a smidge of that or having lost the ability to read or focus .. when I think back to that week or that month it makes me anxious to get out and travel and do random things…


Anyway, when I feel like I have nothing, when I feel depressed, when I feel like I need a boost I watch this movie. Or think about friends long gone, or myself at my weakest…


And I find this sudden boost of energy and vitality because I have been an asshole and not appreciating what I do have…but we can all feel heartbroken sometimes (and I don’t mean from dating or related stuffs) and it’s valid…and I always needed another person to lend a hand an help me up.. this new way of approaching it, where the people are not present and no longer in my life the same way etc etc means that I don’t fall into a deeper depression hoping that one of my friends will return my calls asking for company aka asking for help. So to be able to create this for myself:


Has brought me further than I ever thought I’d be able to go on my own. We are always getting better at is as long as we seek out our weaknesses and destroy them or conquer them in some way.. or make them into a strength if you want another way of putting it.


It’s hard to admit that you might need a different way of thinking, and this is related to my older Thought of the Day post about owning your own feelings… that YOU alone are responsible for your own happiness, speaking up, telling someone that you are hurt or that you feel like the amount that they give to you has changed- checking in to veto or correct your own insecurities can go a long way, rather than running with some crazy thought that isn’t true…or putting too many expectations on someone who does not want to give you love or the time of day is redonculous and self-destructive.


I met someone a while ago who in response to my saying ” I feel that I made a mistake” would just say “yes you did” even though they were involved. Not accepting any responsibility for your own actions is not the other side of this, it’s about opening up, checking in and respecting people. Why does that sound so simple.


It CAN be. You just have to stand up for yourself and not suffer silently over something that probably didn’t happen they way you think it did, or walking away, can be hard… but you need to walk on and be there for YOU.


The  Ancient Egyptians had several spirit bodies that made up a person, souls some people call them to make it easier.. and there is a famous text where a man discusses his life with his “Ba”, spirit.. Called the “Lebensmude”, or The Dispute between a Man and His Ba, and in short the man is complaining about how difficult life is, how hard it is to trust people, etc, and his soul says.. he needs to “shut up” and get on with his life and struggle for it as we all do, because it’s worth it and there are many things that we only have this once… and that at the end of his life when it is his time, he and his Ba will go to the next realm together.. but that they cannot go separately.


With that angle, we never go through life alone . We have our own consciousness, thoughts, ideas, motivations, memories, our own things to celebrate that only we appreciate….


And that’s just a little bit about how I find comfort when there doesn’t seem to be any..

KQ

ps. What movies do the same for you?

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I love Awakenings, it tears me apart to watch it. If you have time, check out some of the other books Dr. Sacks has written (Awakenings is a true story of his work). I recommend “The Man Who Mistook His Wife For A Hat”, also non-fiction… Sacks breaks down several amazing case studies that really make you think what it is to be human to what perception and reality really are.

I’d go so far as to say his books made me step outside myself and see the world with me in it, instead of just seeing the world through my own biased eyes.



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