…At The Grindstones











{June 27, 2011}   The One

I have recently had some people get into conversations with me regarding “The One”.

It’s had me thinking about writing this for a while.

I don’t believe in the concept of “the one”, or the only”. That’s not true. I do believe in it and I’ve seen it and it’s beautiful with some amazing friends of mine that I know.  I don’t believe in it for me. And no I’m not fishing for “they’re out there”, which I recently heard from a concerned friend of mine, though I hadn’t brought up anything related to me feeling like I was missing a One.

I believe that there’s a “time and a place” for people in your life and they can come into it at the right time or the wrong time and maybe a right time again. That person can bring to you the experiences and happiness that you need and crave at that moment and you can hopefully do the same for you. This goes for friends AND lovers. Sometimes you drift, sometimes you misunderstand each other, sometimes you hurt each other. If you have the balls to do so you can be grownups and suck it up and talk to each other or you can blame each other and pretend nothing is wrong and lose that person forever.

People change, sometimes they no longer click with you, sometimes just on a different level, touching base is great but so is being accepting of the new interactions and the fact that change is the only thing that is constant.

For me, I can and have loved more than one person at once.  I don’t think any love in my life has been less important than any others for being there for me, for teaching me and for supporting me. And yes, that’s even including any rocky endings or  growth apart. I still wish all past lovers and friends the best of luck with everything. I still love everyone I’ve ever loved, I’m just no longer in love with them. I found a new place for them in my heart.

When I was studying Thanatology/ Death, we were discussing grief, bereavement, mourning… and adjusting to life after losing someone. It’s the same REALLY. They aren’t there in your life the way they were before so the best you can do is still love them, wish them well (whether you know where they are or not), and find a new place in your heart for them. To hold on to them and remember the happy times.

Every now and then I light a candle to the people in my life who have moved on- well, died. To remember them and all that I learned from them. There are still love songs that move me to tears because they remind me of good friends of mine who are no longer on this Earth the way they were before- who I loved so deeply. I do the same for lovers, but with tea. A proper tea experience for me is one that involves a true break. Concentrating on the tea.. well. If you haven’t seen a Chinese Tea Ceremony you should attend one.

You thank the tea for being there, appreciate it’s scent and where it came from. You brew it over and over again because it just gets better and the flavour is different and the tea leaves unroll and expand and you see their true nature. You thank the elements that helped create this tea and you use small cups to sip and appreciate the full flavour rather than gulping it down on the run. You use small cups so the people you share the tea with aren’t grabbing it to go to go do something else, and the host pays close attention to making sure your cup is refilled with love and care.

Like a relationship. When I went to my first Chinese Tea Ceremony it was with someone I hardly knew, I didn’t know it was a date but in the end it was. I knew this person had a good heart and I knew they could benefit from this as well as I, and I hoped they would be someone who would stay around in my life- well, we have to appreciate each blip and gift of company and love that is given to us. That’s another story but anyway, I was moved to tears with the care that was taken, with the stories and wisdom given by the woman who made our tea.

One thing in particular she talked about was forgiveness- which can be so hard. It’s something I am working on right now consciously with a few people, forgiving them for human nature which is something I always celebrate- well sometimes that’s quite difficult- again, another story. Forgiveness and the heart. She said that the heart was like a well, that it was endless, that the source was nature and fresh water was always available. That no matter how much you give from your well, fresh water floods in to refill it- part out of the refreshing feeling and joy of giving. I feel like sometimes the well can be so populated that it can feel dry when it just needs moments to refill and true sometimes we all step back to do that for ourselves, giving to ourselves.

Returning to the concept of the one I feel like there have been many great loves in my life, and History is one of them (we are just coming out of a little break at the moment), and there will be more. My need to explore and give love is never-ending, and the joy that comes in giving love and making people happy and trying new things is exhilarating as always, and the feelings that come with that are a fact of life from the glow of a happy moment with someone, the reliefs that come with crying on a shoulder of someone who gives a shit, the deep pain that comes with having loved and lost, but the beauty of having had that experience in the first place.

—>That’s not a one person life. I do not believe it’s a selfish life either. I don’t want to make promises that I can’t keep to someone, especially to someone I love or care about. i can promise that I will always try to be there and generally when someone calls and needs me I am there. It’s also an approach out of fairness to others who know I am on the move or who understand that things change to say that I will love them and support them in their happinesses even if they are not with me in a romantic relationship or even friendship. One of the hardest things I did was tell a friend that her ex was still deeply in love with her and that they should try again, when I was dating him, to let him go, to be happy for her, and to tell him I saw that and wanted him to be open with me about trying again with her even if it left me behind. Complicated no? Were they both happier? Yes. I’ve had to walk because my nature was hurting people who cared about me- by nature in this case I mean being Polyamorous- if that’s not clear already. I miss them, but they are happier away from me and that makes me happy.

Recently I had some people tell me that someone who had just entered my life was not the One. I don’t even use the phrase “the One” unless i’m quoting Sex and the City. First of all, I only started hanging out with this person like a raindrop ago in the timeline of my life and nothing at all related to that sort of thing was up for discussion. What I need from friends and I think we all need this- is support. If someone makes me smile even for a moment why does someone else have to discount that for being a great thing?  As someone who doesn’t believe in the One (side note- slightly related, I do believe in SoulmateS which can be sexual or not), they should support my moments of happiness so long as people aren’t being hurt.

I show up at events with different people, some lovers, some friends, some official partners and I don’t often say which, because they are my friend first more than anything and I want them to be treated as such. That’s not because i’m trying to keep people wondering, they can always ask… it’s because I care about the person I am bringing out, think they are awesome, and don’t want them to get lost in a crowd, I don’t want people to be worried about talking to someone I am dating as if I will be possessive or weird about it. I want to share the awesome they bring to my life with my friends- not talking about sex. In the end, it shouldn’t matter, I’m not bringing them out with me to mark territory, to be possessive (side note i find it really odd when someone Never brings out their significant other, especially in a monogamous relationship), but quite the opposite…

…to share the Love.

-KQ

 

 

 

heart like a well.



{October 20, 2010}   Where Did Yesterday Go…

Wow, and here I thought I was going to be able to post an amazing large post yesterday instead of just the cute fuzzy budgie. What is new with me, so much. I am gearing up for another trip that has several parts to it which should be amazing. I’m looking forward to going to several tea stores, one of which being Kusmi tea,  which I discovered last winter there (though the store had TERRIBLE service) but I came away with a Buffalo Grass Green Tea which tastes amazing, like sweetgrass of course, perfect for curling up with a good book as the days get a little colder up here. They have a lot of blends that are “Russian”, in other words, dark dark teas with lemon or bergamot flavors or that have been smoked. I appreciate blends like that but I do not crave them by any means. Smoky Tarry or Lapsang Souchong is not meant for an every day drinking tea in my mind.  I’m hoping to try:

-Russian Morning (blended black)

-Green Tea with Mint and Seaweeds

-Genmaicha (I’d love to see what theirs is like) or Hojicha

-Irish Blend

As the winter approaches here you can look forward to many many tea review videos since I’ll be drinking more. I just ran out of a favorite of mine actually from Teavana called Six Summits Ooolong which is a nice  light oolong mixed with dried whole raspberries, it’s honestly so amazing hot or iced, I can’t wait to get my hands on it again when I get back to the United States:

 

I mean look at that- how fresh and amazing does that look? You can check out more of their teas HERE.

Meanwhile I am still suffering through The Healing Wisdom of Africa by M.P. Some. I had already read his other book Of Water and the Spirit and it was beautiful and inspiring, but this has stirred up a lot of frustration and even anger to the point that I keep putting it down. I’ll have a lot to say on it very soon. I really don’t agree with some of the things he suggests.

I also spent some time watching a sunday afternoon movie or two gluing a lot of souvenirs from my last big trip into cheap dollar store scrapbooks- it was nice to look over a lot of the things I had done that I didn’t forget about and finally catch up with all the people whose business cards I exchanged for..

Oh the next book I’ll be reading will be Lost on Planet China as I work through that German Language workbook I mentioned in my White Point videos. Ha, I have this all planned out. Once the German is completed I’ll be working through some Chinese and Western Herbs, reviewing them and discussing different traditions. I have a full fall planned, but I’m really looking forward to the dark time of the year for study and expanding .

What else.. cleaning out my closet significantly and I have such a pile of stuff ready for a new home, but not enough time to post anywhere online for it so that’s been frustrating..

My next steps have been to find blog/ research sponsors and I have 5 or 6 projects on the go, I feel like I really need a secretary. I actually interviewed for one yesterday and the whole idea of it was so weird to me but we’ll see how that works out.

I think that’s it for today, hoping to post many many photo and video blogs over the next week as I am away on this work and play trip..

KQ

 



{October 11, 2010}   Now or Never

Am I the only one experiencing an exponential growth in the number of people jumping to define every kind of relationship as opposed to letting something naturally develop? Even more than that, they are talking about when things may not be sexy  or good or future issues before any kind of label is placed, often after you just met?

Whatever happened to “I had a great time, hope to see you again”, with no expectation that it could go any further than it just did (whatever that was), because what just happened was great and you’d like that again? Or comfy, or made you happy or whatever. Maybe people are just starved and are trying to “nail a girls fins to the floor” (or guy), as a crab once told me, to make sure you don’t run off and do your own thing.. scary! I’m not saying it’s inappropriate to ask to see someone again, but, there is a limit to how far you should be planning in advance in your head and out loud, for your own health! And for mine. There is a difference between this and sweetness between lovers or people officially dating- get what I mean? Ok read on..

I remember I went on a few pseudo dates back in the spring, looking for new friends in my city who were adventurers like myself. Anyone whose profile said “friends, maybe more” I ignored. I made it clear that I just wanted exactly what I said I did.. and yet, so many people brought up their exes and what they want in romantic relationships blah blah- it was disappointing and overwhelming. As much as I appreciate someone with respect for a good RRSP or savings account, I also appreciate people who can live in the NOW. There seems to be a drought of people content to live in the NOW and appreciate what they have, people nowadays are always wanting more, always wanting something of you that no one else can have, even though every relationship is unique and therefore, without labels they would STILL have something with you that no one else has.

I find it fairly distracting when I am sharing company with another human being, just as it is, and it’s lovely, and they let their minds run with whatever insecurities they have, and blurt something random out or run with future ideas and ruin it for both of us. I’m supportive of people’s social needs BUT if they are thinking of something that will never happen, they are interrupting the NOW with NEVER. It’s now OR never people.

I was thinking of this recently, I met a stranger who I may never see or talk to again and we shared a moment. I’m not in love, I’m not running with possibilities, I’m savoring it and remembering it as a positive, amazing evening that would NEVER happen with so many other people. I don’t know much about them, but I know it was nice to spend time with them in the way that we did.

I had the same thing happen to me last year, for those of you who may have read my post about taking people up on their offers when they don’t mean it  (but offer out of being polite). I met someone awesome there too. They were great company and I haven’t really spoken to them since and didn’t see them long. Probably won’t see them again either.. but it was nice.

If I do see either of these people again, I will enjoy it for what it is again.. they lived in the now and were totally fine with it, and that’s some damn fine company. I’m 99.9 percent sure that neither of them will read this and that’s totally fine.

What am I doing now? Diggin it.



I just finished reading I’m Off Then, by Hape Kerkeling.  I’ve been thinking about it a lot in combination with the fact that my father is walking the Camino right now (what the book is about).

In the book, first of all it’s essentially about a month-long hike across Spain, the main character challenges himself to do this walk/ hike/ journey, and skips a bunch of the first part, but does all of the last bit, which you have to do to get credit and a certificate for having completed it.

In it, he meets a lot of other people going on the same journey, in the same part of the world, same weather, same terrain.. so there’s some what of a family there with you even if they aren’t walking with you all of  the time, like Burning Man, which I just got back from.

On a side rant, Burning Man happens in a place on earth where nothing living goes- nothing grows there. So it’s already a challenge to be there on you physically and emotionally and can be exhausting. Not everyone who goes gets it. Like Burning Man you don’t get phone or internet access on the Camino really, it’s not the focus and in fact even better for you to ignore all of that and look within.

People open up to you in both cases because they are their raw self.. faced with nothing but what they are and could change, generally in these situs the more you surrender yourself to them, the more you get out of them. Let things come to you. I’m not saying you should be passive or lazy, you still absolutely need to do everything to keep yourself alive and well, and so does everyone else.. and it’s odd that even with that being the case, rarely do others steal for you or try to hurt you on these kinds of journeys, even if there are limited resources.

I’m wondering if it’s because it is such a difficult thing to do and something you do on your own, self-reliant… and puts you in a place where you are staring at a mirror of yourself and thinking of your place on the earth, much like being terminally ill  (though not the same), or recently handicapped in some way ( as in, not quite used to it, not at the acceptance phase).. a new challenge. I realize I didn’t finish that phrase, keep following me here. I’m wondering if it’s because everything is so easy these days, that we take so many basic things for granted, that we’ve lost this tribal, human thing where we could care about a stranger, want to help and give to another person, want to learn from someone else, something that could help us- but not financially..

In the book the journeyman has a friend who is a Buddhist, who speaks a lot about her journey as suffering, and the value of suffering. I couldn’t find the paragraph that dealt with it unfortunately (lost my place in it) but I don’t think that matters so much as different ways you could take that statement. How life must be over come, how it’s a struggle and a fight, do we know what we are fighting for? How life is suffering…I guess it reminds us that we are alive an human however.

I forget which blog it was, maybe one on love, but I do believe that the intense emotions in our existence are a gift. Can you imagine never having felt that tug in your chest… of love or sadness, when you meet or lose someone very dear to you? That whole, tis better to have “loved” and lost than to have never business I mean…

Suffering brings people together. It’s unfortunate that there are so many people suffering needlessly, but I think that we all need to suffer to appreciate what we do have at some point in time.

Many of you know that my recent trip was a result of a very serious injury that I will probably never recover from. I can’t take back that moment and I probably shouldn’t. It was a very lengthy recovery to get to a point where I could get my own groceries. As a result of the amount of time I was out, people got weird. By weird I mean scarce. There were many many people who didnt speak a word to me because they didn’t know what to say, and because they didn’t want to help me, they “didn’t” have time. I find it very hard to ask for help at all so, asking for help and getting a hell of a lot more nos than I felt I deserved was a very very difficult lesson for me to learn- that no matter who is around in our lives .. we are all alone, always. No matter what we give, we can never expect to receive, that giving should be done because we want to, and we should never assume that someone might want to give back someday.

Many of you have probably learned that already but it was pretty new for me. REALLY lonely, REALLY frightening. This trip that I took, I surrendered to. I went once I could feed myself and walk on my own for hours without having to sit down, once I could read again and once I could speak without tripping up so much.. I said to myself, well, this might be as good as it gets, get over it. I went through the same stages as someone being told they had a terminal illness, because for all I knew, I was going to be a veggie with brain  and nerve damage. It’s a miracle that I am not, and I feel blessed.

Anyway, I surrendered to what other people wanted to give. Not in a selfish way, in a way that didn’t take the joy of giving away from the people I found, who wanted to give and share- who are so amazing- so, if i hadn’t been hurt, I would not have found these people, who I made deep connections with, and I wouldn’t take that back for ANYTHING. The suffering was worth being able to move beyond the suffering. The old rules were gone, how did I want to rebuild? I think that the pain of injuries or, suffering in terrible climates can have major rewards… like the people who fight so hard to dive into the Mariana Trench- think of the wonders they found there that so many people will never see!!

Think of how our hearts open after these periods of suffering…

Did you know that the earliest Christian women were the most hardcore? They gave away all their money, ate very little and drank little, helping people, slept on hard mats … having come from rich families… to open themselves up to God and to understand and connect with others who were suffering. I’m not one to support people starving themselves to get to a woozy state where they think they are talking to God, but I am very supportive of people helping one another WITHIN REASON. There is a fine line where you hurt people by helping them too much and I have been guilty of that many times. This trip helped me see that line a little more clearly, rather, my injury did. People were angry with me for being hurt! They were angry with me for suffering! I was shocked- but these were people who had become dependent on me for my help, and when I wasn’t there, I was being an asshole.

I also saw this anger towards me when I announced my journey. Could have been out of jealousy that I was taking all this time off of work (after being forced to for 5 months), people interpreted it as a vacation, as a want, not a NEED. I think when people choose to go on these journeys, yes, due to jealousy or what have you, a lot of people will start to treat you differently. They see it as a selfish act, and maybe it is, but maybe it’s time for those people who take off, to focus on their own pain rather than that of others.. even for a moment. I found it brought me back around to helping people, but not in the same way. More in a heightened awareness of the general suffering of being alive, and yet appreciation of all that we get out of it, it’s not a worthless journey, life….

Every time I go on one of these (by the way, I’m a badass journeyer in the body of a sick person), I become more of a Yes man. I try to say yes more instead of.. hmm I don’t know… because who knows when you last day could be… because I can learn more form others than sitting at home, because I can meet people who can expose me to experiences and passions that I would have never otherwise known….etc etc.. By the way I loved that movie.  Burning Man made me more of a Yes person again, being a self-employed hustler or adult life in general can really beat the life out of a person. I’m really lucky that I actually like my job(s). I think that happens to most people, we lose trust in others, use others piggy back, dog eat dog.We are so disconnected from the actual struggle and suffering of living and being human that we create more garbage to wade through and unnecessary drama to make things more intense when they actually already are. Maybe we don’t want to admit to weakness over something little like, a new mate (they’re great but I don’t know.. they eat oranges in bed and don’t own a car- what?) Why do we jump to negative so quickly instead of telling it like it is?

Do I ever know where I am going with these things? This is way too long already. I guess I’m saying that we all need a little journey on the side now and then. At Burning Man some people can’t handle it and leave. They think it’s all a party. I’m sure it’s the same with the Camino, they think it’s all scenery. Why do we have to go away to be near ourselves? I don’t even need to ask that. Disconnecting to reconnect makes so much sense I shouldn’t have to say it. Stepping out of what is familiar for me, helps me instantly pink up on people who I would click with as well, from a crowd.. that’s a different topic altogether but it happened en masse while on the road.

I think that’s about all I wanted to share today, the book was a decent read but in the end it just gave me dreams about hiking and sandwiches, well wishes for my Dad who is still hiking the thing, and made me curious about how his journey will gift to him after and during his suffering, and what he will come away with. I’m so excited to speak with him once he gets back and share our stories of suffering and joy together. Life I guess 🙂

KQ





{September 5, 2010}   The Temple is Burning

When it’s all over.. and things have to end.. I think about the joy that that thing or person has brought to me. I think about the people in my life who are no longer walking this Earth who have given me love and wisdom and how to put those things in a new place in my heart… to be inspired by them and to be understanding of the nature of things changing and how our time here or anywhere is uncertain.

At the end of Burning Man.. at the very very end, it’s gone and an empty space again without any garbage or living creatures. We owe it to the playa to leave no trace, appreciate what it gives to us and what we give to each other there… and to take it with us.

Sure, I am showing you videos and photos, but what you really take away cannot be captured in any image, moving or still. It’s something we carry with us inside from the experience, the love and open-ness and new things that we learned there, and the glow that we try to pay forward and give to others year round even when we aren’t there in this Brigadoon… About appreciating the little things that we give to each other and spending time with each other and loving each other.

This year I have a very special package to burn at the temple and some important messages to write that reflect just that… I’ve already prepared it and I am ready to let it go and put it in a new place in my heart and heal what needs to be healed, alone or with other people feeling the same way… no matter what their religion or faith is, they can come to the temple at Burning Man and find peace and love in the shared experience that is being HUMAN, and feeling and winning and losing…

Can’t we two go walking together..

KQ



{September 4, 2010}   The Man is Burning

Soon, now, in a few hours, yesterday depending on when you read this, it’s happening now. As we move into the fall, the new ‘school year”, the changing seasons, harvest what you learned, what you worked hard for, enjoy the last bit of summer and play for now and think about what you’d like to learn in the cold coming months. What do you want to get rid of in your life that is negative? What do you want to replace it with that is positive?

I used to have bonfires around Lughnasah, August 1st, Egyptian New Year even, every year, burning old papers and things that I no longer needed, clearing clutter and thinking about amazing things that I could learn and add to my life the next year going into that colder time, the time of study…

What do you want this year?

Skip to 7:00 for the Explosion.

Before the man burns at Burning Man, raises it’s arms in surrender to it’s fate- giving up what needs to be given up…I’ll do it, you can do it too.

This year I want to learn more Mandarin Chinese, get into Chinese Medicine more and learn about acupuncture, moxibustion, chinese herbalism and Egyptian medicine. I want to translate some medical texts on my own in Egyptian. I want to have learned and memorized at least 100 chinese Characters that I can write out by heart without looking at anything or being prompted. I want to go up in a hot hair balloon.

I don’t want to waste time on people who don’t care about me. I don’t want to feel empty and I don’t have to. I don’t want to feel like I need to reciprocate things when I’m not feeling it. I want to keep patting myself on the back when I have succeeded in something for myself and by myself, and I WILL NOT BE ASHAMED of being a beginner in anything.  I don’t want to feel responsible for others, because I am not. I have too many things that other people would love and I want to get rid of them by passing them along to someone who can enjoy and use them and appreciate them more than myself…a la the fraggle pebble of Muppet Family Christmas.

How about you?

KQ



{August 24, 2010}   You’ll Never Walk Alone


“When you walk through a storm
Hold you head up high
And don’t be afraid of the dark.
At the end of the storm
Is a golden sky
And the sweet silver song of a lark.


Walk on through the wind,
Walk on through the rain,
Tho’ your dreams be tossed and blown.


Walk on, walk on
With hope in your heart
And you’ll never walk alone,
You’ll never walk alone.”


This song always spoke to me when I was younger, and still does, ever since I first heard it from Carousel the musical, I don’t remember now if it was from the movie of a High School version… After spending 2 trips to the desert with people but always feeling completely alone .. looking back this gives me strength to tackle it again. When I get lonely I do often think of people who I was close to , who I loved and love now in a different way and have in a different place in my heart. It’s their energy that gives me motivation to get what I want and need in my darkest times, because it’s something they can’t have.

Sometimes I need to borrow the will or would be will of others to motivate myself I find… especially when I am depressed and just can’t snap out of it on my own and can’t depend on anyone else to help me. So I borrow someone else’s motivation, energy, liveliness, reasons to celebrate, and I have my own.. having been seriously seriously sick and injured before and living with illnesses that I constantly fight. I am nowhere near paralyzed for years but even a smidge of that or having lost the ability to read or focus .. when I think back to that week or that month it makes me anxious to get out and travel and do random things…


Anyway, when I feel like I have nothing, when I feel depressed, when I feel like I need a boost I watch this movie. Or think about friends long gone, or myself at my weakest…


And I find this sudden boost of energy and vitality because I have been an asshole and not appreciating what I do have…but we can all feel heartbroken sometimes (and I don’t mean from dating or related stuffs) and it’s valid…and I always needed another person to lend a hand an help me up.. this new way of approaching it, where the people are not present and no longer in my life the same way etc etc means that I don’t fall into a deeper depression hoping that one of my friends will return my calls asking for company aka asking for help. So to be able to create this for myself:


Has brought me further than I ever thought I’d be able to go on my own. We are always getting better at is as long as we seek out our weaknesses and destroy them or conquer them in some way.. or make them into a strength if you want another way of putting it.


It’s hard to admit that you might need a different way of thinking, and this is related to my older Thought of the Day post about owning your own feelings… that YOU alone are responsible for your own happiness, speaking up, telling someone that you are hurt or that you feel like the amount that they give to you has changed- checking in to veto or correct your own insecurities can go a long way, rather than running with some crazy thought that isn’t true…or putting too many expectations on someone who does not want to give you love or the time of day is redonculous and self-destructive.


I met someone a while ago who in response to my saying ” I feel that I made a mistake” would just say “yes you did” even though they were involved. Not accepting any responsibility for your own actions is not the other side of this, it’s about opening up, checking in and respecting people. Why does that sound so simple.


It CAN be. You just have to stand up for yourself and not suffer silently over something that probably didn’t happen they way you think it did, or walking away, can be hard… but you need to walk on and be there for YOU.


The  Ancient Egyptians had several spirit bodies that made up a person, souls some people call them to make it easier.. and there is a famous text where a man discusses his life with his “Ba”, spirit.. Called the “Lebensmude”, or The Dispute between a Man and His Ba, and in short the man is complaining about how difficult life is, how hard it is to trust people, etc, and his soul says.. he needs to “shut up” and get on with his life and struggle for it as we all do, because it’s worth it and there are many things that we only have this once… and that at the end of his life when it is his time, he and his Ba will go to the next realm together.. but that they cannot go separately.


With that angle, we never go through life alone . We have our own consciousness, thoughts, ideas, motivations, memories, our own things to celebrate that only we appreciate….


And that’s just a little bit about how I find comfort when there doesn’t seem to be any..

KQ

ps. What movies do the same for you?



{August 19, 2010}   I Wanna be a Man Man Cub-Board


I started reading this book, so many people gave good reviews of it, and it is interesting for sure… BUT… it puts me in a weird spot. I used to be absolutely excellent at manipulating people. Chasing them. making them chase me, drawing out information that I needed to get what I wanted and being sneaky. Not to toot my own horn but I was a champion with weaving into dramatic situs and getting out with minimal damage, and with what I wanted.

That was many years ago, as I slowly gave that up and decided to become a truth teller, open book, direct, honest… which people did not take too kindly too. I’m not saying that I would tell people that they were ugly, because that’s not how I roll, but anyway, telling someone that their behavior was hurtful to you doesn’t always go over well. Telling someone that you are sad, in other words, admitting weakness, does not bring even the most “loving’ or your friends to your rescue. It’s been wild.

So I’m torn. I’ve always been pretty open and honest about the stuff I’ve been involved with, there is no reason for me to hide anything, if I am hiding it it’s a weakness and I want to conquer as much and own as much of myself as I can if that makes any sense. Of course there have been things that I’ve done that I am not as proud of but I can’t let them own me.

On the other hand, opening up to people is apparently giving them power over me, and telling them exactly what they’ve asked is giving people too much, I know that now, and there are so many people who don’t deserve to know me and I think that realizing that was really important- that I don’t have to answer questions, acknowledge or chat up people that I get terrible vibes from, even if they are close friends with someone I care deeply about- I just can’t do it anymore.

This is me thinking about monsters of course, and people.. Should we have to lie to people in the hopes that they will show us kindness? Doesn’t that defeat the purpose of being one’s self? OR are we all supposed to hide our true selves even to the people that we love, who love us out of fear of some rejection 3 years down the line in an unhappy relationship when we never speak up about those needs?

What is the harm in telling someone that you like them, find them attractive, like their shoes,want to see them again… as a friend or as anything else..what’s the harm in treating or showing kindness to someone because you want to,not manipulating them hoping, no, so that they will give it back- why would anyone want to force someone to care for them? I do understand people wanting to force or trick others into bed, though I don’t agree with it.. A lot of this book talks about how to make someone depend on you emotionally and therefore surrender sexually, to which I say…. “SAY WHAT!?!”

Like I say, I understand where they are coming from but I think a lot of the things they recommend, which would result in unhappy, unhealthy long-term relationships..maybe the book is mainly referring to sex… I guess that could work in a big city where you never have to see these people again, and maybe I’m a wiener for feeling bad for taking something from someone without the permission, or through manipulative measures…

Anyway, so I am torn. So SO many people play the game and I took my piece off, I’m like a hotel in Monopoly, there are only a few of me and we only show up every now and then, and aren’t available to everyone. I don’t have time to put up with traveling someone elses board, but I am completely happy to hop in and out and even be there for the good and the bad, and even bail them out. I love to help and love to show love. I love to help the little guys because I’ve been one.

At the same time, being a hotel gives me a cold appearance to many people. People will want me for the wrong reasons. I understand I’m getting slightly off topic but whatever. I assume that people don’t want me around until they say so, though I would LOVE to, and try to, assume that if people don’t want me around they simply stop calling me or replying to messages.

Some don’t return kindnesses, so I think it’s totally fair for me to then, only call them when I want something material, since there is nothing else that they will offer me, and they generally only call me for material things as well.

Actually, I realized this month that the reason my phone bills are insanely high- are unnecessary business calls because I do not want to be a part of the texting world- too cold for me…

Anyway returning back somewhat to my original thought, I feel like I should only give because I want to. That can mean attention as well. It should be done without ANY expectation of anything in return.

I also learned this year that NO MATTER what people say, I won’t believe their promises until they actually happen and are set into motion. Too many agreements made where I only held up my end of the bargain, too many disappointments when asking people to contribute to something they asked me to do for them… I won’t get as excited as I used to over people saying “oh we should totally” because they often write things without being able to cash them.. Why don’t people say, “Oh I would love to” or “We could try to blah blah at this time but I am not sure”..

Thinking that way, though it seems really negative is amazing. At the same time, if someone wants to give to me, I really need to learn to say thank you and not turn around to try to give them something back immediately, or on a certain day…. but when I really want to… know what I mean?

Reminded me of this video I posted already:

Those things have been swirling around in my mind as I’ve been reading this. Do I have to “get back in the game” to interact with pieces? Can’t I just be the penny on the board those times when their aren’t enough pieces, that comes in to play now and then? Do I have to speak their language to be their “friend”, does it make me an asshole to learn the grammar and structure but avoid learning the words?

With that I’m off to a shindig, and to relax with some more amazing people, as I already did today.

Let me know your thoughts on this,
KQ



et cetera