…At The Grindstones

{July 26, 2010}   Little Bird…

Every now and then I have one of those days where things get a bit overwhelming. Things catch up to me that I ignore to get through and be the strong one. Then I get a little sad as I work through and deal with the emotions that come with it. It’s usually once a year, maybe twice for me there are days, where I feel more alone in this world than is necessary, where I really feel like Mr Cellophane. At the same time, there is no way in hell that I want to be rescued by anyone, because I do not have faith in them, or rather, because I do not want to depend on others, as I believe in promises more than I should. Sometimes I feel like I need an extra kick in the butt to get out the door to push forward on my path. Some days my legs are just too tired, my head hurts, and I can’t rescue or help anyone so I just don’t try. There is no man with a whip, or woman, who can crack at the dangers and negativity that surrounds me, and kick it back for a day or a week, it’s here.. it’s a constant battle and I must fight it. ┬áJust as everyone else fights ..if they can, if they want to, if they remember what they are fighting for and where to send that energy…

I remember as a little girl watching this movie and feeling overwhelmed, one one hand wanting to feel what it’s like to be rescued as Aldonza “was” but at the same time, I always saw myself more in Cervantes and the Knight of the Woeful Countenance… hoping that I wasn’t fighting windmills, that my golden helmet could mean as much to me as I made it, that I would never stop dreaming and questing for who knows what…

I always loved how at the end of the movie you don’t see Dulcenea in a new dress with make up or a complicated hairdo, you see what she thinks makes her beautiful, and her working within her means to present that, still level headed enough to know where she came from…and value what she learned from her 9-5 as immersed in human nature because I can say from experience that you are never ready for it and living that and being able to survive and come out of it with dreams intact or mostly intact is a miracle. If you can do that, If I can do that.. then everything is going to be okay.

Maybe I’m both characters.. probably.

For now, there’s red wine, scrapbooking, old movies and old books… the latter two being very good old friends of mine in these times…


“Let me Pray not to be sheltered from dangers
but to be fearless in facing them
Let me not beg for the stilling of my pain
but for the heart to conquer it
Let me not look for allies in life’s battlefield
but to my own strength
Let me not crave in anxious fear to be saved
but hope for the patience to win my freedom
Grant me that I may not be a coward,
feeling your mercy in my success alone;
but let me find the grasp of your hand in my failure

– Rabindranath Tagore, Fruit Gathering

Just a little something to think about today, and when you feel lonely…

More on Tagore HERE.