…At The Grindstones











{June 27, 2011}   I’ve Loved Before..

 

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{June 27, 2011}   Don’t Give Hate A Chance


{June 27, 2011}   The One

I have recently had some people get into conversations with me regarding “The One”.

It’s had me thinking about writing this for a while.

I don’t believe in the concept of “the one”, or the only”. That’s not true. I do believe in it and I’ve seen it and it’s beautiful with some amazing friends of mine that I know.  I don’t believe in it for me. And no I’m not fishing for “they’re out there”, which I recently heard from a concerned friend of mine, though I hadn’t brought up anything related to me feeling like I was missing a One.

I believe that there’s a “time and a place” for people in your life and they can come into it at the right time or the wrong time and maybe a right time again. That person can bring to you the experiences and happiness that you need and crave at that moment and you can hopefully do the same for you. This goes for friends AND lovers. Sometimes you drift, sometimes you misunderstand each other, sometimes you hurt each other. If you have the balls to do so you can be grownups and suck it up and talk to each other or you can blame each other and pretend nothing is wrong and lose that person forever.

People change, sometimes they no longer click with you, sometimes just on a different level, touching base is great but so is being accepting of the new interactions and the fact that change is the only thing that is constant.

For me, I can and have loved more than one person at once.  I don’t think any love in my life has been less important than any others for being there for me, for teaching me and for supporting me. And yes, that’s even including any rocky endings or  growth apart. I still wish all past lovers and friends the best of luck with everything. I still love everyone I’ve ever loved, I’m just no longer in love with them. I found a new place for them in my heart.

When I was studying Thanatology/ Death, we were discussing grief, bereavement, mourning… and adjusting to life after losing someone. It’s the same REALLY. They aren’t there in your life the way they were before so the best you can do is still love them, wish them well (whether you know where they are or not), and find a new place in your heart for them. To hold on to them and remember the happy times.

Every now and then I light a candle to the people in my life who have moved on- well, died. To remember them and all that I learned from them. There are still love songs that move me to tears because they remind me of good friends of mine who are no longer on this Earth the way they were before- who I loved so deeply. I do the same for lovers, but with tea. A proper tea experience for me is one that involves a true break. Concentrating on the tea.. well. If you haven’t seen a Chinese Tea Ceremony you should attend one.

You thank the tea for being there, appreciate it’s scent and where it came from. You brew it over and over again because it just gets better and the flavour is different and the tea leaves unroll and expand and you see their true nature. You thank the elements that helped create this tea and you use small cups to sip and appreciate the full flavour rather than gulping it down on the run. You use small cups so the people you share the tea with aren’t grabbing it to go to go do something else, and the host pays close attention to making sure your cup is refilled with love and care.

Like a relationship. When I went to my first Chinese Tea Ceremony it was with someone I hardly knew, I didn’t know it was a date but in the end it was. I knew this person had a good heart and I knew they could benefit from this as well as I, and I hoped they would be someone who would stay around in my life- well, we have to appreciate each blip and gift of company and love that is given to us. That’s another story but anyway, I was moved to tears with the care that was taken, with the stories and wisdom given by the woman who made our tea.

One thing in particular she talked about was forgiveness- which can be so hard. It’s something I am working on right now consciously with a few people, forgiving them for human nature which is something I always celebrate- well sometimes that’s quite difficult- again, another story. Forgiveness and the heart. She said that the heart was like a well, that it was endless, that the source was nature and fresh water was always available. That no matter how much you give from your well, fresh water floods in to refill it- part out of the refreshing feeling and joy of giving. I feel like sometimes the well can be so populated that it can feel dry when it just needs moments to refill and true sometimes we all step back to do that for ourselves, giving to ourselves.

Returning to the concept of the one I feel like there have been many great loves in my life, and History is one of them (we are just coming out of a little break at the moment), and there will be more. My need to explore and give love is never-ending, and the joy that comes in giving love and making people happy and trying new things is exhilarating as always, and the feelings that come with that are a fact of life from the glow of a happy moment with someone, the reliefs that come with crying on a shoulder of someone who gives a shit, the deep pain that comes with having loved and lost, but the beauty of having had that experience in the first place.

—>That’s not a one person life. I do not believe it’s a selfish life either. I don’t want to make promises that I can’t keep to someone, especially to someone I love or care about. i can promise that I will always try to be there and generally when someone calls and needs me I am there. It’s also an approach out of fairness to others who know I am on the move or who understand that things change to say that I will love them and support them in their happinesses even if they are not with me in a romantic relationship or even friendship. One of the hardest things I did was tell a friend that her ex was still deeply in love with her and that they should try again, when I was dating him, to let him go, to be happy for her, and to tell him I saw that and wanted him to be open with me about trying again with her even if it left me behind. Complicated no? Were they both happier? Yes. I’ve had to walk because my nature was hurting people who cared about me- by nature in this case I mean being Polyamorous- if that’s not clear already. I miss them, but they are happier away from me and that makes me happy.

Recently I had some people tell me that someone who had just entered my life was not the One. I don’t even use the phrase “the One” unless i’m quoting Sex and the City. First of all, I only started hanging out with this person like a raindrop ago in the timeline of my life and nothing at all related to that sort of thing was up for discussion. What I need from friends and I think we all need this- is support. If someone makes me smile even for a moment why does someone else have to discount that for being a great thing?  As someone who doesn’t believe in the One (side note- slightly related, I do believe in SoulmateS which can be sexual or not), they should support my moments of happiness so long as people aren’t being hurt.

I show up at events with different people, some lovers, some friends, some official partners and I don’t often say which, because they are my friend first more than anything and I want them to be treated as such. That’s not because i’m trying to keep people wondering, they can always ask… it’s because I care about the person I am bringing out, think they are awesome, and don’t want them to get lost in a crowd, I don’t want people to be worried about talking to someone I am dating as if I will be possessive or weird about it. I want to share the awesome they bring to my life with my friends- not talking about sex. In the end, it shouldn’t matter, I’m not bringing them out with me to mark territory, to be possessive (side note i find it really odd when someone Never brings out their significant other, especially in a monogamous relationship), but quite the opposite…

…to share the Love.

-KQ

 

 

 

heart like a well.



et cetera